Is being kind to ourselves. It is a way of relating to ourselves and realizing that we’re human. Humans make mistakes. Humans are not perfect. 

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

How we see things is based on our frame, values, background, experience and perception of our reality and this is not an objective view.  Our negative inner voice often tells us a story that is skewed. If we don’t take the time to question it then we may lose a learning opportunity for ourselves. 

Kristin Neff, the author of the book Self-Compassion states that self-compassion means being gentle, kind and understanding with yourself. Accepting that you are not perfect and that there is potential for learning and growth in every mistake that you make. 

It’s easy to say but how do you put it into practice?

1. Turn your inner voice or inner critic into a source of support for learning. We can listen to increase our knowledge and clarity about our fears or what we see as limitations or things holding us back.
2. Acknowledge mistakes and shortcomings by being gentle with yourself. We’re human, we make mistakes, we are not perfect. Forgive yourself, let it go, learn and move on. 
3. Use the power of gratitude, appreciate what you have, acknowledge your successes, celebrate your learnings. Celebrate you.
4. Be mindful. Stop judging yourself and embrace and have compassion for yourself. Acknowledge your emotions, feel through them and appreciate the moment.

With self-compassion, we can embrace ourselves with kindness and give ourselves the support needed to provide the conditions for growth and transformation.

1. An awareness of the need for change
2. Understanding as to why the change is needed or necessary
3. Identify the risks of not changing
4. Define what the change is and what your intention is for the change that you’re going to make 
5. Identify goals and small action steps needed to take to drive the change and your intended outcome(s)
6. Make a commitment to yourself
7. Take action(s) [do the work] to achieve the change
8. Practice Self-compassion and Acknowledge slip ups (we’re human, they happen)
9.  Evaluate & Recommit
10. Celebrate your successes!

Maybe you have determined what you’ve been tolerating and putting up with in your life and you’re not going to do it anymore. You are so tired of it. It’s draining you and your energy.  

You’ve identified that you need to make a change in your life, now what? The good news is that have gained awareness of the need for a change. 

Awareness & Why Change is Needed

Awareness, itself, is not enough. You want to make sure you understand the reasons why the change is needed.  I get it. It’s tough. It’s painful to realize you’ve been tolerating things that don’t serve you or help you be at your best.

It’s important to ask yourself why change is needed or why you put up with it.  There are usually some juicy reasons for it. Some of them may even have been unconscious to you. Maybe there’s a limited belief behind it?

Excavating the why is helpful in that in knowing these reasons will help you to overcome resistance when making the change feels hard.  Just as important is identifying the risks of not changing.  

For example, a client of mine was unhappy with the direction her life was going.  She was feeling very stuck.  She felt stuck in an unhappy relationship, stuck in a job that didn’t challenge her and was not feeling good about herself.  

When she started to figure out what she was tolerating. She identified that she was putting her partner’s needs above her own. She was putting all of the responsibilities on her own shoulders and allowing her needs to be put by the wayside.  She was feeling resentful and exhausted.

She believed that it was her responsibility to make other’s happy and if she did that then she would be happy.  She didn’t feel that she mattered.  She believed that her needs weren’t important, she realized that she was in survival mode.  She knew she couldn’t keep going down this path.  

Risk of Not Changing

She identified the risks of not changing as lonely in an unhappy relationship, gaining weight, more stress and either heading down the road to depression or worse heart disease.  She was tired of feeling invisible and living life as a doormat.  

The question I asked her was so if we’re going to change this and turn things around, what would the change be or the outcome you desire for yourself?

This is important to overcome resistance that often comes with change.  Taking time to examine the why you need to change and the risk of not changing is needed to help motivate you as you go through the change. 

She spoke of being in better health. Having a job, she loves and a relationship where she was visible, and her needs were being met. These items aren’t small things, but you can’t just wave a magic wand and make it happen.  There was some work to be done.

Define the Change

She started with wanting to be in better health.  So, I asked her, if you were to be in better health what would be some of the things you would be doing? What does it look like? What would you be doing? Why is this important to you? 

Identify Goals & Small Actions

She identified small actions such as no longer eating fast food and planning meals. Quit drinking diet coke and replace it with water.  Walking between buildings for meetings instead of driving to the other building. 

Make the Commitment & Take Action

She made a commitment to the change and to taking the actions needed to achieve her desired outcome.  When she may have slipped or had a bad day, she would acknowledge it, practice self-compassion and recommit to her goal and take the actions.  She didn’t try to do everything at once. She was strategic and she worked her plan and took the actions needed. She met her desired goals.